Happy Black Friday


The United States of America, as suggested once by the great David F. Wallace, is ostensibly nothing more than one giant shopping mall.

So grab the credit card, fill that SUV up with gas, and fight for that parking spot near Macy’s that finally opened up after several laps around the lot and countless times of second guessing yourself and asking, “Why the hell am I at the mall today?”

The answer to that question: the deals.

Department and retail stores across the country will unleash a flurry of discounts, the validity of which will be argued by many, that will undoubtedly attract millions to malls across this great land of ours.

A myriad of stores including Wal-Mart, Toys-R-Us, Best Buy, JC Penny, and Target opened their doors just as millions of Americans finished off the last bites of pecan or pumpkin pie Thursday evening.

However, some of the best deals aren’t even in the realm of tangibility this year.

For example, Old Navy announced a 50% Black Friday online discount on many of its items.

That’s basically a whole outfit for under $20.

Toys-R-Us is expected to release an avalanche of Frozen-inspired toys that children just will not be able to let go. Likewise, Best Buy is slated to begin sales of the latest technology that adults won’t let go.

Think Black Friday is nothing more than an over-hyped, local media made-up event and no one actually shops on this day besides those idiots who have been lined up outside the local Best Buy since Labor Day?

Think again.

About 60% of American consumers, according to the National Retail Federation, will either go shopping today or this weekend, spending an estimated total of $50-billion.

So that means less parking spots, but wait, think there’s a spot right over there… oh, no, darn.

Just a Prius parked in that spot so it looked empty.

Don’t worry, though.

Once inside the mall, there’s likely a Cinnabon nearby to alleviate any shopping-doubt caused by low blood sugar.

We love you, America.

Happy Black Friday.




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